What comes to mind when you hear the phrase “First Anniversary”? Most likely you recall a celebration of the first year of marriage. How did you commemorate the event? Dinner out, to your special place, or maybe to that fancy restaurant you've been wanting to try? A trip, to a nearby favorite getaway or to somewhere more distant and new? A show – a drama, a comedy, a musical, a musical comedy? A quiet time at home, just the two of you? However you celebrated, the anniversary was likely a time of joyful remembrance. I have had the pleasure of celebrating two such occasions.

But this past July 30 brought a different kind of First Anniversary into my life – the one-year anniversary of the death of my beloved wife, Jean.

I thought long and hard about the occasion. Would the blues dominate the day? Would I feel joy over the outpouring of love I have experienced over the past year? A little of both, perhaps? In order to deal with whatever emotions presented themselves, I felt that I needed to plan the day in advance. Then I could better pay appropriate homage to Jean, whatever I was feeling.

Here is what I planned. First, a visit to my therapist, scheduled weeks before. Then a walk along Honolulu Avenue in downtown Montrose – just a few blocks away from where we spent 20-plus years together. Back at home, I would play some of my favorite music on YouTube – music that had been with me for much of the year. And finally, my weekly visit to Brothers Helpers, a group that packs food for the hungry. At the latter, I planned to announce my anniversary and read something I wrote a while back: “Gardenias”, a tribute to Jean.

My plan worked, leading me to one of the most memorable days of my life. My therapist was as loving and supportive as ever, maybe even more so. Reminiscences on my walk brought the usual mixture of joy and grief, this time with the joy winning out. The music brought both goose bumps and tears. And once I finished reading “Gardenias”, my friends at Brothers Helpers gave me an applause accompanied by kind thoughts and wishes. I was overwhelmed.

So where do I go from here? For starters, I resolve to encourage the significant changes I feel at work within me, even if they sound crazy. I will welcome the boundless love sent my way, and in so doing, I will learn to love myself, perhaps for the first time. I will watch for opportunities, great or small, to share the love I feel. Most of all, I will revel in the glory of this abundant Life around us, populated by so many remarkable people.

Here I am, Life. Bring it on!

**Click on the tag "Ed Rinderle" under the blog title to see other contributions by Ed

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